What if self-esteem isn't actually self-esteem?
The theory that suggests self-esteem isn't really about how you feel about yourself, it may be about how accepted your brain believes you are.
Many of us have worked with clients where low self-esteem is at the heart of many difficulties. I’ve even met some therapists who would swear that low self esteem is at the heart of all difficulties. I can see their point.
CBT formulates low self esteem as ‘activation of the bottom line’. That is, one holds a negative belief about oneself, such as ‘I am a failure’. It lays dormant but becomes activated when we face trigger situations1, leading to anxiety and low mood. If you’ve not come across this model before, this video below explains it well.
All of this is incredibly helpful and valuable. I’ve seen clients really resonate with the Fennel model.
But there is another way to understand self esteem
However, one of the theories I find myself returning to time and time again is Sociometer Theory of Self Esteem, proposed by social psychologist Mark Leary.
It suggests something quite radical:
Self-esteem isn’t simply how much we like ourselves.
It’s an internal gauge of how socially accepted—or socially at risk—we believe we are.
Self esteem is less a measure of self worth, but an internal gauge of acceptance and relational value to others2. Leavy argues that when our brain perceives acceptance, belonging and social value, our self-esteem tends to rise.
When it perceives rejection, exclusion, criticism or loss of status, self-esteem often lowers.
This is where the idea of the sociometre comes in - the metre is always moving and responding to perceived changes in social acceptance.
The audience changes.
The hierarchy changes.
Their brain concludes that belonging, reputation or social value might now be under threat.
And their sense of self shifts alongside it. Leary argues this then motivates us to engage in social approval seeking behaviour and/or experience distress.
Fundamentally, for Leary, self-esteem is not about ourselves as much as how we much we believe that we are valued by others.
For Leary, high self esteem = social acceptance.
Low self esteem = potential social rejection and a need to regain social approval.
I know some of you are probably thinking, well, what does it mean to be valued by others? What would that mean for the client? And I agree with that line of thinking too and I wonder how separate it is.
A different clinical question
Sometimes, no matter what an experiment proves, or thought record challenges, some beliefs don’t seem to shift. And I wonder if that’s because the client isn’t actually asking ‘am I good enough?’, but rather, ‘am I socially safe here?’. We may also see this understanding as perhaps more an extension to the statement am I good enough + to be accepted here?
Self-esteem may be more contextual than we think
This theory has made me focus more on the environment when working on self esteem with clients. That sounds like exploring additional questions such as what would it mean to feel good about yourself, in this situation, with these people? What is your brain detecting in this social environment?
It’s not a replacement for the Fennel model, but it does give a new line of inquiry and insight.
What do you think?
Understanding social psychology in clients
Many of you have said to me how interesting you find social psychology applied to clinical practice (which makes me very excited!!!). So, I’ve decided to run an introductory workshop for therapists exploring the Social Brain in Therapy.
We’ll explore concepts (all in relation to clinical work) such as:
Sociometre Theory
Social Identity Theory
Social rank and comparison
In group and out groups
Approach / inhibition psychology
and more!
Whether you work with social anxiety, performance anxiety, workplace issues or relationship difficulties, this workshop is designed to give you a fresh lens to understand issues that you may not have had the models for before.
If you want to join, you can learn more here. I’d love to see you there!!
https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/behavioural-and-cognitive-psychotherapy/article/low-selfesteem-a-refined-cognitive-behavioural-model/A170A4A8E6A428A2F1CF139590452AC5
https://www.elaborer.org/cours/A24/lectures/Leary2012.pdf
“Fundamentally, for Leary, self-esteem is not about ourselves as much as how we much we believe that we are valued by others”
I wonder if there’s some circularity going on here? How we believe others value us is dependent on self-esteem, which is dependent on how others value us, and so on.
"It’s an internal gauge of how socially accepted—or socially at risk—we believe we are."
I think you're onto something here. :)